Everyone is in bed, and I'm settling into my writing indentation on the couch with a nice family pour of Zinfandel. I've been waiting for this all day. I sort of feel like drinking a little too much.
Today I wrote extensively in my personal journal, so I feel a little like there is nothing to say. I'm sure I'll find something to whine about.
Earlier we watched Grumpier Old Men, and I couldn't stop noticing how uncoordinated Walter Mathau was (r.i.p.) and it would be safe to say he was reverting to infancy at the time this move was shot. At one point, he and Sophia Loren get it on, and I just really couldn't wrap my mind around that. I also kept thinking about how Zooey Deschanel says on the New Girl that her perfect guy would be Walter Mathau and she would be girl Jack Lemmon, and that was so hilarious.
Today I played a distrubing amount of Words with Friends, and I justified to my self by saying that I was "exercising my brain." I did laundry and I made Felix work out while I folded laundry and we ate dinner at Jason's Deli and the kids played in the rain while I wrote in my journal.
Nothing much to speak of happened. I don't even think I cracked up once. That should be a new goal: to crack up once a day... There is nothing like a good, uncontrollable laugh that lasts so long that your cheeks hurt.
I'm sort of in this state of torpor lately. I'm so desperate to live and to experience and the be excited and to grow, but then I let myself languish in inaction and then boredom. I want to blame everyone, the kids for being my responsibility, my husband for holding me back, the rain which was always falling. But the difficult to deal with reality is that it's all my fault. The day to day tedium I feel is easily rectifiable with a little will and creativity, but I think that for the most part I'd rather just complain in my journal, be lazy, and grow resentful of everyone whose fault it isn't.
I made a vow to myself that I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to buy concert tickets (and then go to the shows), I'm going to get a babysitter (and then go on a date with my husband whether he likes it or not), I'm going to sometimes take up my coworkers on their invitations to go out for a drink after work, I'm going to drink my wine at home at night, I'm going to go see free shows at Miller Outdoor Theater, I'm going to live.
I don't want to be too lazy to be adventurous, but that's what's happening now.

I'm drinking this wine to losen something that is too tight in my mind, that won't let things flow. I'm drinking it to forget about the day and its menial tasks and relax my mind into a conduit for words, ideas, creativity. Hey, I'm not trying to write the next great American novel here, just some words on a digital page to remind me that I'm still kicking.
I think I overly glorify the past. Just for a moment there, I was remembering myold blog and thinking about how I was always so funny and eloquent and clever. And while it's true that there were moments of genius there, it wasn't all gold. Much of it was me writing highly personal ramblings and introspections, and self important drivel that reads like a 13 year old's diary (albeit a highly intelligent and insightful 13 year old).
Come on Candice. You're doing just fine. And no matter what that hateful little voice in your head says, you're doing just fine. In fact, you're a lot more interesting now than you were then. You are all those things, plus the newer things, with quite a helping of crazy taken out of the equation.
Yes the wine slides down the gullet so easily. The hazy pseudo-reality is sneaking in the back door, though I think I just heard the hinges creak. It's okay. Come on in. I've been expecting you.

Is it too late to become a musician? More specifically a song writer? What if I wrote songs with no music, since I don't really want to learn to play an instrument, but I do want to write and sing my own words? I've been working on a few things. But since I've been making an effort, I've been listening to songs in a different way and I've been noticing how complex the vocal melodies are and then I sing my 2 songs (incomplete) and they seem too simplistic. Maybe I should google, "how to write songs. "
Okay, googled it, and I think I'll just treat it like I used to treat poetry and just wait for that little snippet of inspiration to strike, and then I'll run with it.