Last night we had a bar cleaning at my work, which naturally led to a little beer drinking, which led to weird mood today. Not a bad mood, per se. Just weird, tired, maybe slightly more succeptable to tears than usual.
I've been doing things around the house in an effort to delay sitting down to write on my blog. I guess a part of me feels that it's selfish to sit down and devote all my attention to something that isn't the many chores I see that need to be done or the daughter I see who I should be teaching things to, or the 11 year old boy on the couch playing video games who I should be encouraging to be active. So there's that guilt.
But honestly, that'sjust me lying to myself. How many times a day do I check facebook on my phone? I know it doesn't take the same level of concentration as writing, but it certainly does eat up my time.

If things are going well in ones life, and they look around and are contented with what they see, they look back over their previous trials and say, "that was why I had to go throught all of that... to get me to HERE!" If one looks around at the festering turd that is their current condition, and they are feeling unhappy with the state of things, they look back over their choices and wonder, "where did I go wrong?" Shaking their fists at god, turning their conscience on into overdrive and scouring every questionable deed looking for the culprit for which they are feeling their present karmic recompense.
Why does there have to be a reason? What if things just happen as a result of other things happening? Maybe there is no plan... Maybe we aren't meant to do anything... What if it is all just the chaos of cause and effect of centillion things all happening at once?
Just something I thought as I was cleaning the sink.

I've just been thinking about the past a lot lately, looking through the beer goggles of reminiscence. Everything looks so good, which is funny considering how unhappy I thought I was. I guess there are just elements to every stage in your life which you will always miss when you're in another. I guess my goal is to try and see those things for what they are, while they're actually happening.

I am happy now. I'm in love with my husband. I love my daughter in waysI never knew existed. I am looking good. I am well provided for. Forrest supports my dreams of travel. He really is the best. I am happy.

I look back and I miss the freedom. The feeling of not being tied down. I miss Tiffers even though then she felt like a burden. She was a good friend. I miss the alone time. The time to be creative. But on the transcribed story of my past, I white out how unfulfilled I felt, and how much I hated my job, but felt trapped in it. I've cropped out the lonliness and the seeking to fill some sort of hole with some sort of substance.

Oh those rosy tinted lenses, how you betray the truth. Yes I miss my freedom, but it was the price I paid to keep my daughter. Well worth it. No spontaneous trips to a coffee shop is worth the depth of feeling I've discovered with her.

I guess the whole point of this is that I'm discovering the good points of my past. What I want to bring forward into my future. I can edit out the undesirables and with the pieces I love, create the life I want.

Well, this turned out to be a little more, um, serious than I intended. What can I say? I blame the extreme sensitivity that comes post beer imbibment.